Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
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“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
This is not me but this is me
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
When you let grandma cat sit
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey