Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
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I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”