My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
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Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Overindulged this afternoon.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!