Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
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[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.