Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
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Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
same energy
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
This January has 47 Mondays
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6