Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
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Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.