5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
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[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
necessity is the mother of invention
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.