I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
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My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.