It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
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Meow
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT