A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
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9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible