30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
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“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that