I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
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It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
me hitting on a model
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.