The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
You Might Also Like
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”