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An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.