The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
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I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
i prefer mine room temperature.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face