[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
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Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
broke down and did it
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
I believe the plural is “milves.”
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally