I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
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*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.