My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
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I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Anyone really
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there