If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
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If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature