[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
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“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism