Potatoes were such a good idea
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My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue