[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
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“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Stop sending me this shit.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.