[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
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Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.