Beware of fowl play.
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if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
wut hotdog?
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that