A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
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I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
just make the entire table out of coaster
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out