If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
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monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Lmfaoooooo
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet