It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
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son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs