If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
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I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Put the is in disheveled
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
I hope they boil the right one.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!