I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
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[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
I got soap in my shower beer again.
🤣😂
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
o shit
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact