Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
You Might Also Like
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!