Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
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[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.