COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
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Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
when there are deer in the woods
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there