A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
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Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?