Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
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A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
sliding into dms like
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk