APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
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Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.