The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
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[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Lassie, get help!
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
the dark web is just a goth google.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
The point of your 20s
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?