Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
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changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.