100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
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I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
nature’s most graceful animal
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.