If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
You Might Also Like
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
The biggest mystery of our time
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why