People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
You Might Also Like
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
SPLOOT
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.