*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
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A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
🙋♀️
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
#StillHurts
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?