Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
You Might Also Like
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
it’s finally my moment to shine
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow