My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
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Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever