there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
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Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’