wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
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I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.