[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
You Might Also Like
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.