ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
You Might Also Like
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Worth remembering.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.