Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
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the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.