Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
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[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
The glory of fall.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late