nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
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Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
So, can we agree on 4 or
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
dutch is not a serious language
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no